Mutants

Sunday, November 02, 2008

dear e. p.,

do you know what have you done?
do you know what have we done?
do you know what’s going on?
because I don’t anymore..
i don’t know what to call you by anymore..
baby? e?

i really don’t know anymore.

don’t know where you are anymore.
don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
don’t know what’s in front of me anymore.
don’t know what’s happening to my life anymore.
don’t know what to say to you anymore.
don't know why i still dream of you last night.
don’t know why tears still flow down my cheeks.
don’t know why I’m lying on the ground now.

i thought I knew myself.
i thought I knew you.
but now I don’t anymore.
i don’t know who you are anymore.
i don’t know who I am anymore.

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dear e. p.,

if you find yourself again,
please let me know.

if you remember who I am again,
please let me know.

thank you.

tears started rolling down my cheeks since i woke up. i woke up at 640 and forced myself to go back to sleep.

really didn't know what to do when i woke up. what's there to do? i felt lost. i could not help the tears.

somethings is missing.

something is terribly wrong..

e, i dreamt of you last night. you hugged me, let me kiss you on your lips. and let me hold you.

i've lost myself to you.. i don't know what to do.

Mutants RulE2:09 PM

Saturday, November 01, 2008

went through quite a bad week.

today was a bad day too.. my head hurt when i woke up in the morning. looking for some answers. needed some answers from you..

i spoke to you via sms for quite long and i got most of what i wanted to know from you. but i still don't understand somethings..

e, you're not like the girl i used to know anymore.

not the one who i know deep down in my heart that won't hurt me..

not the one who will say those words to me..

not the one who will just leave me there and expect me to stay strong..

you took away my strength.. how much stronger am i now without you by my side?

but i do it for you..

today, my heart felt weak. my body felt like giving way. i couldn't think properly. couldn't focus at all. thoughts of us together clouded my mind. thoughts of you clouded my mind..

when i was crossing the road today, i stumbled and a car went pass my eyes. and i suddenly woke up.. what was happening to me? i couldn't think at all.

all these about being strong.. i think i try too much to be strong.. i guess i put too much pressure on myself to be strong.. i didn't want to let you down anymore. didn't want to let my weakness affect you..

since you've chosen to let things be this way. what more can i don't when you don't even give me the chance..

you didn't even give me the chance to do anything and you just took it away.. you don't know what it did to me. do you know what i went through? do you know what i'm going through for you? you made me give up everything. even my last hope. and i don't dare hope for anything anymore.. you wouldn't even tell me that things will get better once you've settled things. i don't understand why you would do this..

e, i HONESTLY didn't think you would do this to me. it didn't even cross my mind for once. and that's why i gave you my heart.. and let you keep it, let you play with it, let you love, it let you fill it with your love. and now it's all gone..

they say don't put all your eggs in a basket. but it was a risk i was willing to take because it was not just anyone else. it was you e. the one who called me her baby..

today's ordeal.

Drive carefully ok? E you really don’t understand what I’m trying to say. You’re just brushing it away.. I don’t know how to make you listen to my heart..

I don’t want to know. It won’t make any difference now. I said gimme the space from you pls.

Ok. There are just somethings that you don’t want to tell me and I can feel it. and somethings I know you wouldn’t have done but you did it for some reason, but you don’t want to tell me. somethings u feel, but I know you are restricting your feelings.. you don’t want to say it. it’s ok. But my heart can really feel all these from you.. I know that you are now too busy to remember our love alr. And don’t want to cause you can’t focus on your work. I want you to remember everything cause then you’ll remember what it really felt like when you said you love me and promised to be together forever and how you make me feel.. E, I know you’re not truthful with me about everything. all that has been happening to us tells me this is wrong. But you don’t want to do anything about it because you don’t have time to anymore and can’t focus on your work. I will give you the space. But all these has been unfair to me and you know it.. I’ll try not to disturb you but I’m still as concerned about you. So please take care of yourself. P.s. I could never imagine you give our love away. Even now E.. please take care ok? My heart will always be with you like always. Love Kenneth your one and only.

But at the same time I wan a closure to this matter. It’s keeps dragging on I can’t stand it. nothing’s gonna change. I just don’t understand why bother talking on and on and repeating..

You are so mean.. when we had all the time in the world to love you gave me your love. Now that you have no time to love me anymore, you are doing this to me.. E. You said you love me. I don’t know why you have to do this to me.. stop it please. Stop telling me something and doing something else. You lied to me.. you lied to me…. I know you don’t have time for me alr. No time to love me alr. But you don’t have to do this to me..

No Kenneth, I made up my decision. Pls don’t try to change it. u are affecting. Im sorry.

You chose not to love me alr am I right? Becaue all the time we spent tgt and all that you said to me doesn’t add up to you know loving me anymore.

That was all in the past Kenneth. Pls stop repeating this same sentence..

Don’t brush things away anymore. Don’t ignore what I’m saying. It was just a few weeks ago.. the only thing I’ve figured out after all these while is that you chose to stop loving me because you don’t have the time to love me anymore.

It wasn’t a choice! I dun love you anymore, the love disappeared. Stop making it like I purposely did it. Im going by how I felt and I love you lesser. No more, understand? How many times must I say it?

I don’t understand when you said you still wanted to be together.. can you explain it to me? I only know that you have no time that’s why things become so bad.

I said that a while ago. It was in the past. I dun feel it no more. I wanted to be together, but I don’t feel we should anymore cause I don’t love you. I told you before. Unless I get closure on this, I will not do will for exam. U wan me to repeat myself AGAIN??

I know it’s been a few weeks but it’s not like ages ago. E. I’m not trying to ask you to get back with me now. I just cannot understand. You said all those to me and you know that you are more busy those weeks and have exams coming up soon right?

I think you got it mixed up. I did say all those things to you. But later on I realised they weren’t true becoz I felt I loved you less. And I regret leading you on by saying those things. I wasn’t lying. Just didn’t think deeper of my own feelings. Sorrys.

You know your decision to break up and having lesser feelings is mainly because of the time we have for each other and that that you started having more projects and tests right? I need to know if you know..

I know. It is part of the reason.

No no. it’s the reason. The reason is because you don’t have time to love me as much that’s why feelings get lesser and because you need to concentrate on studies that’s why cannot love me as much le. And you know that’s the only reason right E? What else is there?

Other reason is I just dun love you as much now. Those 2 are the reasons. Is this finally over?

Sort of. To me when you first said you don’t love me anymore and wanted to break up. It felt like an excuse so that you can get on with your work. It felt like you were telling yourself not to love me anymore when you still can so that you can put me aside and concentrate on studying. Was it? because when we had so much time together and no studies or exams to worry about, there was no such thing..

No. if it was I would have broke up with you earlier on. It was really because I had lesser and no feelings for you.

But I thought just now you said you know you had lesser feelings for me because you had no time to love me anymore because you need to concentrate on your studies? If that’s the case then in the first place you said it so that you can get on with your work.. not really because you have lesser feelings..

Kenneth, it was part of the fucking reason. Im trying to study here. U fucking irritating me. im trying my best to explain to u and u’re pissing me off now.

I know you are trying to explain to me. thank you very much k? it’s really helping me.. but if you know it’s because of time and studies and not loving me as much, that’s why we are breaking up. You could have just told me in the first place. It would have been easier for the both of us..

Okays, so is it finally closed?

In the beginning I didn’t think how you could say that you don’t love me anymore and don’t want to be with me alr. But now I finally know the reason. We just cannot be together anymore because you don’t have time to love me as much now that’s why feeling get lesser and that you need to concentrate on your studies that’s why you cannot love me as much now. Right E?

Yup.. tat’s y I dun love u anymore.

after that i couldn't do anything anymore. felt really lost and weak. i called you, wanted to talk to you like always but there's no more words alr. no more words coming out from my mouth alr. didn't know what to say. all that you've said to me far probably stunned me and i don't know how to retaliate and fight back it. my fighting spirit? DENTED and most probably on the ground.. i spend most of the afternoon doing nothing. i tried to study too but you keep coming into my head.. i gave up studying after about and hour plus. that was when i was too tired alr. too tired to concentrate. my mind couldn't take it no more and i felt i was about to break down again. so i called audrey to talk cock a little then went for dinner.

went to have nasi lemak at chong pang there.. remember that you wanted to go there to eat too! i'll still take you there if you still want. we just don't know it that will ever happen. so no hopes. wanted to text you to tell you cause you'll be so excited la! but think i better not le..

this blog is good enough for me now. you have what you want. you've taken it all from me. taken it all. i secretly hope that you'll give smth back to me. but it's ok. you don't have to if you don't want. you don't have to if you don't feel like it. it's ok. cause to me, it's not about what you get but what you can give.

i'm going to sleep now. my mind is so tired.. good night e. my love will always be with you.

just hope i'm fine tml.. that's all i wish for now.

Mutants RulE10:08 PM

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

e main reason i'm blogging now is that i have nothing better to do.

it's been long since i've last blog.

many things have ended,

i've been feeling kinda depressed these few days.

haha. weird hearing it from me. coz i seldom get depressed.

i guess i'm being too paranoid; holding onto things/people too closely.

KRT's out of e way now. but not totally. there's still this duty that i feel i'm obliged to fulfil.

duty towards the juniors? duty towards the team? duty towards coach?

it's funny how it ends, but you feel it's just started.

i guess the word is regret.

i don't know/

some have started,

the studying perhaps?

being closer with my school/classmates?

it feels like it.

i guess it's bonding.

isn't it/

and some are going to end.

don't know if it's right

but somethings seem to me turning sour

at least to me.

for the better?

i would hope so.

but e Qn is.

for whose better/

my story ends here for now. just incase i still have visitors, i won't be updating anytime soon. maybe in a few months.

till then, have fun =)

nothing that happens to us in life has any meaning other than the meaning we attach to it.

pain and suffering come only from judgement.

as we release judgement and stop labeling things as 'positive' or 'negative' and simply accept them as opportunities to evolve into our biggest selves, our lives transform.

there really is no such things as a 'bad experience' or even a good one.

LIFE JUST IS.

Mutants RulE6:24 PM

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

SCHOOL has reopened. and i went to school todae.

guess waD the first stupid thing was i did todae? well, i had packed my monday's lessons instead of wednesday's. luckly the lessons were almost similar.

oh yah, i was playing around too much till my chem teacher told me 'if you don't learn to behave, you might get into trouble'. hmmm? i was just having some fun. and what harm can walking about do? besides, it's not the first time she's teaching me. but, she may not be teaching us soon. sad. Mr lawrence is not teaching us anymore too. although i admit that i did not really like him, but his teaching methods were original and he's good at grabbing one's attention. i guess i didn't really treasure his lessons that much. but i know i will miss them. i kinds had mixed feelings when he broke the news to JS and me. didn't know what to say. he's a nice guy and a very realistic one.

after school more bad news came. the prospect of KRT merging with dragonboat is almost 100%. and they are going to call in sea sports club.. even the name turns be off. i don't really know the reason yet but now i have been told that it was because of the budget. apparently, the principal decided to focus on the SYF groups. both our budgets have been reduced to about half. and i really have not idea how would merging help in anyway. their training has been cut down to 1 water training from 3. and i heard that our training has been changed to 2hrs a week. can you imagine it? we have been doing at least 12hrs for the past 1yr+. it's really not reasonable at all. through the 12 hrs per week, we have build up our passion and interest for the sport. personally for me, i previously had thoughts about quitting. so for me to say with the team takes a lot. and the merger to me just shuts down on everything that i have put in effort for. i have wanted for a cut in training time, but this is just not what i have expected. furthermore, ms choong, mr lim and mr lawrence are all leaving KRT. leaving us with a noob teacher incharge and 3 other noobs. there's really not much reason to stay in the team anymore. if the merger really goes through and there's onli 2hrs of training per week, i think i will have to reconsider my stay in KRT.

i know everyone is sad. there's even this thing that we have to pay for our cca activities. coach will be sad too. since the seniors left, we have been much closer. coach has taught us a lot and i can't bear to let his teachings go to waste. it's not easy to get to the point to where we are as a team now. but ultimately i guess that the SYF groups need our money for more important and EXPENSIVE purposes.

i don't know what they are going to do with the extra $41k they took from dragonboat and kayaking. maybe they need to hire extra instructors. or maybe they have calculated that they need $41k worth of props.

WELL, that's sounds really reasonable and logical to me man. i think if i were princpal i might just do the same =D..

NOT.. if that is gonna happen, i expect at least an explanation to let us know what is happening.

well just have towait till the end of the week for the finalisation..

time to study. bUaiz.

Mutants RulE7:50 PM

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Before i continue with my h/w and make it seem to my teachers that at least i tried, i guess i shall blog my first post of the new year.

HAPPIE NEW YEAR!.

here goes..

on Sunday, i had already arranged for a new year steamboat outing with my closest friends days before, giving them no reason to say no =P

so on sunday morning, about 11+ MJ came over first. he wanted to introduce to me a new map. but i didn't really like it. maybe coz my com was lagging loads. after that, JH came, then Andy came. hanged out a bit. as usual, they were playing games. luckly i had 2 coms at my disposal + JH and MJ's laptop. my house turns into a temporary LAN shop at most of the festive holidays. haha.

had some lunch then cut cake for my sis, althought it was a day later. didn't have a cam, so my 3.2 MP cam came into play!

after that they were playing again!. oh no. was supposed to meet at 4.30 with the rest of the guys, but they onli stopped playing at 4.30...

met Stand, Kiat, Billy and Yang at the mrt station. so many ppl. 8 total. then we headed off to marina bay. the place was already packed before we reached there. i guess others were as kia su as us. in the end, onli me and stand managed to squeeze up on the bus. the rest for some funny reason, didn't managed to get on the next bus, and walked there instead. when they finally arrived, the feasting began.

it was practically, meat, meat and more meat. + prawns and soup.

btw, i think this is the 2nd round le.

we were talking, eating and joking around. it couldn't have been any better. MJ was mad over the meat man. there were times when the whole hot plate was filled with meat. on the side beside jh, MJ was doing the cooking. and on the other side, we had kiat.. horrible man. me and andy were doing the prawns. and stand was doing his own weird stuff. yang? well, he was enjoying the food.

this is what the top view looked like. see the prawns? that's my side. and the rest is practically filled with MEAT!.

JH got 2 cans of tiger and we shared. halfway through, andy and me got the same idea. we decided to change MJ's crysanthe with beer since it looked the same. we didn't even have to tell each other. andy's hand was already on MJ cup while mine was on the one with beer. all it takes is just 1 look. hehe. no that's how great minds think - alike.

haha. MJ, you've been punk'd. he kanna shocked sia. after that we packed up and left. we went to DB. paradize there to plae LAN. so hot sia. summore the stupid com keep closing by itself. waste my money there. then we went to walk about and have a drink.

after that we took the train back. came back with MJ and JH. they stayed over. and played for the better half of the night till about 6am. omg. next day woke up at about 11. they woke up just in time for lunch at 1pm. then after lunch they played again.. omg. keep playing. then after dinner we went to SP. played at the arcade =D. then went to KFC. they had supper then we all went back.

NOW ,TODAE. i'm doing my h/w but getting tired coz i don't remember how to do most of the questions. or rather, it's too difficult for me now. i guess i should have done it sooner. oh well. life's like that.

hopefully i will be able to post as regularly when i start school tml. wish me luck for not getting screwed for not doing some one my homework!. wth, i don't even bother if i get screwed. haha.

say bye bye to the holidaes and hello to school life.

bUaiz.

Mutants RulE11:35 AM

Saturday, December 30, 2006

MERRY BURFDAE KRYSS`!

YARHS.

in the end, i went to queensway myself. i tried to convince someone in going with me, but i got tired of waiting in the end. i just left.

queensway was a bored. there were so many shoes to choose from, and i didn't really know which one i wanted. best of all is that there was no one to tell me what to get. the service there was poor. i was very pissed that i was kinda like ignored for most of the while. maybe i looked like some kind of punk with my weird hair style or maybe they thought i didn't have the money. looks can be deciving ok!.

one shop was forcing me to buy their shoe even though they didn't have the size i wanted. another shop was like 'if you don't want then you can leave'. and another was ' service urself'.

can't there be more room for more professional service?

can't shops stop being biased towards customers that enter?

there's actually more than just that. go experience it urself at queensway. if the shops can afford to be picky about their customers than i'm fine with it. it's not my loss anyway. i still can buy my stuff from other more PROFESSIONAL places.

went to meet my mother at city hall after that. took a cab. and the taxi driver didn't look too happy with me too. i'm sorry, did i do smth wrong? where's the basic courtesy in greeting your passenger? i guess some people just don't have any sense of courtesy at all. i've read many a times about the government putting in more focus into the service industry.

YES. some people are good at what they do. but others, i guess, put their pride too high to treat all their customers or passengers equally. of coz i'm not happy about this. but what can i do. ultimately, i'm not the one at the losing end. so i still can accept what ever nonsense they are doing.

had dinner at clark quey with my parents and younger sis. got free wine leHz. haha. drank until my eyes were red. then went to OG at chinatown to walk walk. met MJ working there. then talk talk with him. then he went back with us.

washed up after reaching home. then i kinda regret leaving by myself to queensway, so i smsed my fren to clear things up. so that i can sleep peacefully =D so now everything's ok. at least i think so. slept for about 6 hours then have to wake up for training todae.

training was kinda slack for me todae. didn't feel any hangover effects from last night. my coach still asked me if i was on form after my first lap. didn't mention to him that i was drinking last night. haha. rowed a total of 14km todae. but wasn't that tired. maybe coz i tried some new stuff. Gracia, my senior, came down too. after her work which was in the night. i think she siao liao. after work come plae with us. then after then go back work. no need to sleep.. haha. but it was fun having her around. i think her company lightened coach up a bit. no wonder he didn't shout at us today at all. =D

parents picked me up after training. had lunch then went back. i don't know what happened but i started to feel really tired. maybe the hangover effect kicked in. after reaching home, i bathed and crashed into my bed for about 4 hours. i was still too tired to wake up. but had to go attend my sis choir performance.

i'm still very tired now even after reaching home. feel a lot like sleeping. but still have something else to take care off first.

bUaiz then. tml is another busy day.

Mutants RulE11:23 PM

Friday, December 29, 2006

FIRST of all, i want to say..

"WHERE IS MY H/W?"

YES, where is my homework when i need it the most!? i'm most despertately searching for my homework all over my room. todae WAS supposed to be homework day. but not being able to find my econs homework when i finally found out how to do it really turns me off. one of my speculations is that i accidentally threw it away when i was clearing my room the other day. the other is that it flew out the window on one of the few wind cum rainy days.

OH YES, it think today is a bad day for me.

the next thing is that i can't find anyone to go out to Queensway with me. i even took my chance in trying to slip a 'want to go queensway with me?' in some of my smses. damn, i'm desperate.

anything worse?

YES, there is. apparently, my grandfather decided to 'subconsiously' lock himself out of his house. he came running over knocking on my door calling me out. oh man.. it was onli 9am. UNwillingly dragged myself out of bed at the plea of my mother. i think she was more desperate than i am to get him away. i obliged and went with him. i swear i tried squeezing my hand throught the gate. but to not much avail. i knew i had to come up with smth or else i'll be stuck with my grandpa for the rest of the day. no!!!. eventually, Lady Luck was by my side and i managed to FINALLY open the door my heaven- my freedom. haha.

i guess that's all now. no one's at home. gonna meet jh for lunch then slack.

Mutants RulE12:42 PM